God Speaks to Wives and Husbands

          “What sort of sermon title is that?” you wonder. Next thing you know, he’ll be saying “Mrs. and Mr. Edgar!” 

What I first wrote was, “God Speaks to Husbands and Wives,” so why change it? Because Paul speaks first to wives! Wives are directly responsible to God, not responsible to God through their husbands. Verse twenty-two:  “Wives, be subject to your own husbands.” Verse twenty-five, “Husbands, love your wives.” Paul follows the same order of wife, then husband in Colossians. So does Peter in I Peter.

Instructions for household living were common in Paul’s day, but they weren’t done in the order of wife, then husband. The old way was Aristotle’s. That famous Greek philosopher – and following him other Greek, Jewish, and Roman teachers – praised a well-functioning household with husband-wife, parent-child, and master-slave relationships. Households, Aristotle taught, have to be well ordered because households, not individuals, constitute the city. Since the paterfamilias, father of the family, was responsible for his household, Aristotle told him how to manage it. It was the husband’s job to tell his wife her part. Makes sense. But God’s Word does it differently.

God speaks directly to you, wives, meaning that God holds you responsible for your marriage. “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1).” God, not your husband and not society, tells you how to live with your husband, so that Christ is honored.

So, what does God say to you? Listen. I will give a word for word English translation of the Greek of Ephesians 5:22. “The women their own men as to the Lord.” Notice something missing? Listen again. “The women their own men as to the Lord.” A high school English class grammar lesson should be stirring in your memory. There’s no verb in the sentence! “The women their own men as to the Lord.” But since every sentence has to have a subject and a verb, our English translators provide one. The missing verb comes from the context beginning back in verse eighteen. This long sentence has two commands, a negative, “Do not be drunk,” and a positive, “But instead be filled with the Spirit.” Participles follow, describing the Spirit-filled life: “speaking to one another in Psalms...singing and psalming in your hearts to the Lord, thanking constantly for all things...submitting to one another in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Here’s the flow of ideas then. “...[S]ubmitting to one another in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, the women their own men as to the Lord.” Verse twenty-four confirms, “submit” is the correct implied verb in verse 22. “Therefore, just as the church submits to Christ, likewise the women to their men in everything.”

God’s Word to wives is, “Submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Does that sound hard – you have to submit to your man? Does it sound unfair? Well, consider. In the church of Jesus Christ, we all submit to one another: “submitting to one another, the women to their men as to the Lord.” Among the Gentiles, Jesus says, each one is always trying to gain the upper hand over other people – rule them, call the shots, order people around, feel like a big shot, speak roughly to people who can’t speak back, be the boss (Mark 10:42-45). Money and position or just plain aggressive bossiness can give you that power. Jesus says we are not to be like that. Instead, if you want to be great in his kingdom, he says, be the servant of others. Wives, submit to your own husbands – don’t order them around, don’t speak roughly to them, don’t try to be the boss, don’t attack them with your old iron frying pan, don’t question them incessantly about their behavior, don’t nag them for their own good, don’t nag them to get your way, don’t wheedle, or whine, or cry manipulatively, or throw gigantic screaming temper tantrums.

Well, you might ask, why doesn’t Paul write the same thing to men, “Be submissive to your own women”? In a sense he does! Both wives and husbands in the Church are Christians who are submitting to one another in the Lord in a Spirit-filled life. But just think. Paul has something even more demanding to say to men. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her (verse 25).” We will get to that next week. But today we speak of wives, since God’s Word speaks first to wives.

Sometimes we read carelessly and think that Paul tells wives to obey their husbands. He tells children to obey father and mother, and he tells slaves to obey their masters. But the word he uses for wives is a totally different word, meaning to submit as a freely chosen decision. The word was used for the relationship of a Greek citizen soldier to his officer. For the sake of the army’s success, he, free and responsible citizen though he was, submitted to his officer. As an adult, set free from the bondage of sin by the blood of Jesus Christ, a wife chooses to submit to her husband.

Here is the literal Greek of verse twenty-two again: “The women their own men as to the Lord.” Think about the phrase, “their own men.” Wife, there is one man in the whole world who is your man! Submit to him. Christians submit to one another, women do not submit to men in general. You don’t submit to your man because he is the most charming, intelligent, kind, and good man in the world. Maybe you thought that when you married him, but now you know him well. No, you submit to your man because he is your man. Wives, when you married your man, you freely promised to forsake all others. From that moment onward until death parts you, he is your man, and you are his woman. God hates adultery. The Bible says to keep the marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). My father-in-law told us, “Once you’re married, you put blinders on” – the kind that horses wear beside their eyes to keep them from getting distracted. Part of submitting to your own man is to be loyal to him, fiercely loyal. The Mosaic Law, in fact, assumes that if your man is in a fight with another man and losing, you’ll probably go join the fight on his side (Deuteronomy 25:11). Picture the newly married Quaker wife Grace Kelly pulling the trigger in the famous Western movie, High Noon, to save the life of her new husband, lawman Gary Cooper. (Young readers, if you haven’t seen this movie, do so: you will be holding your breath without knowing it as the tension mounts.) “Submit” means loyalty to your man.

But Paul doesn’t stop with a mere “submit.” He qualifies it with the words,  “as to the Lord.” Meaning? Well, for starters, you wouldn’t try to boss God around or cross-examine him, would you? You wouldn’t contradict every other word he said. So Paul ends this whole section with a simple, “and let the wife see that she respects [Greek word is “fears”] her husband (5:33).” But perhaps there’s another idea in the words “as to the Lord.” Wives, in your marriage a third person is present. Paul tells slaves and masters, “Remember, you have a master in heaven. You will both answer to him. He will reward you.” Likewise, the Church has a heavenly Bridegroom. As Paul wrote elsewhere, “I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ (II Corinthians 11:2).” When you married your man, you promised in the Lord’s name to cleave to him. So Christ is present in every Christian marriage. He is the witness to your wedding vows. So Jesus said concerning marriage, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate (Mark 10:9).” Christ is present. This is comforting and encouraging. Even if your man fails to love or care for you, Christ cares for you, according to his promise, “I will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).” So, when you submit to your man in the Lord, you honor Christ, and you show your faith in him. It’s part of living by faith.

Verse 23. “For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church: and he is the Savior of the body.” Later Paul will remind the man that he is one flesh with his wife, so when he loves her he loves himself. Here he also uses the picture of a body, saying that the husband is head of the wife. Now a body cannot have two heads, just as a ship can’t have two captains, or an army two commanders. Likewise, a marriage can have only one head. A house divided against itself cannot stand. The point isn’t that man’s nature is to lead and woman’s nature is to follow. That idea is supported neither by Scripture nor by experience. Many women are well suited to leadership. No. The background, I think, is simply that God made the man first and so in marriage he is the head (see I Corinthians 11:8-9).

A passage in Numbers 30 helps to explain how the husband’s place as head of his wife should work. The chapter deals with vows. If a man makes a vow to the Lord, he must keep it. What if a wife wants to make a vow to God? She doesn’t have to ask her husband first. Like Samuel’s mother Hannah, she can make her vow. Hannah prayed for a son and promised that if the Lord gave her a son, she would give him to God all his life (I Samuel 1:11). But, according to Numbers, the wife has to give up her vow if her husband annuls it on the day he hears about it. If he waits for the next day to say no, or he keeps silent, the vow stands. So the wife is free to act on her own, but she can’t insist if her husband says no. God will then release her from her vow (Numbers 30:13-15). When Hannah told Elkanah that she would take Samuel to serve God at the tabernacle, he confirmed her vow, “Do what seems best to you,” he said. “Only let the Lord establish his word (I Samuel 1:22-23).” Imagine if Elkanah had said no; my son will not go live with the priest Eli at the tabernacle. He’s my son, and Eli failed as a father with his own sons. Then imagine if Hannah had insisted, saying, “But I made a vow.” What disunity and trouble would follow! So the law provided that if Elkanah said no, Hannah would submit to her head. Harmony would prevail. Elkanah said yes, and harmony prevailed.

“The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church: and he is the Savior of the body (verse 23).” Paul wrote earlier in Ephesians that Christ is head of the church. “And [God] put all things under [Christ’s] feet, and gave him to be head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all (Ephesians 1:22-23).” This is a great mystery and a great honor that we are the body of Christ, and he our head saved us. “For when we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).” I think with these words about Christ being the Savior of the body, Paul is preparing the ground for what he will next say to husbands. “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave himself for her (Ephesians 5:25).” Of course, he certainly does not mean that husbands are the Saviors of their wives. Wives' only Savior is Christ.

The next verse, twenty-four, concludes Paul’s instructions to wives. “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” I don’t know why our translators {for the NKJV –ed.} now use “is subject” rather than “submit.” It’s exactly the same Greek word. But, submit in everything? Is that reasonable? Does a wife always have to go along with everything her husband wants? No, that’s not what it means. Remember, Scripture interprets Scripture. There is a very instructive story from the life of David that we should think about here. One time, while David and his men were in the wilderness hiding from King Saul, David sent messengers to an ill-tempered and rich fool named Nabal, asking for some food at harvest time. Nabal insulted them, said no, not a chance, and sent them away. When the servants told Nabal’s wife Abigail what had happened, she immediately countermanded Nabal’s decision not to give food to David. She ordered ­the servants to get a present ready for David, going with them to deliver it. How does the Bible describe Abigail? I Samuel 25:3 says “And she was a woman of good understanding.” It also notes that she was beautiful. Scripture absolutely does not condemn Abigail as an un-submissive wife who dishonored her husband, but as a wise woman who saved the lives of all her family, including Nabal. As David said when she met him, “Blessed is the Lord God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed (I Samuel 25:32-33).” There is no duty for a wife to submit to her husband if he is putting the lives of his family in danger. Let’s say he is drunk and angry and orders everyone into the car for a ride. His wife would be wise to tell the children not to go with him, and she would not be disobeying the command to submit to her man in everything.

So what does “in everything” mean? It means, wives, that there is no part of your marriage where you can selfishly say, “This part is mine.” When you married your man, you gave up even your own body to him. He did the same for you (see I Corinthians 7:4). It’s the same with the Lord. There is no part of our lives where we can say, “God has nothing to do with this.” Sometimes, Christians think and act that way, excusing dishonesty in business, for example, with the saying, “Business is business.” But when we bow to Christ our King who died for us, we become his in everything. About all of our possessions we say, “The Lord gave (Job 1:21).” About all of our plans, we say, “If the Lord wills (James 4:15).” There is no part of our lives where the Lord does not say, “I am Lord of that also.” That’s what scares people when they think about becoming Christian. They know deep down, that then they will have to say, “I am not my own, I am bought with a price (I Corinthians 6:20).” So it is with marriage. All that I have is my wife’s; all that she has is mine. Married life is a joint checking account with no secrets. Let the wives submit to their husbands in everything.  

Marriage in America is not strong – divorce common, children born out of wedlock, many intact marriages full of strife. And now there is the insanity of what is called “gay marriage.” Clearly, in a gay marriage God could not address wives or husbands. You can’t have wives and husbands when both are the same sex. Those same-sex friendships, for that is what they are in reality, can’t help having two heads. No wonder such liaisons are far less stable than a husband and wife married to each other for life, more unstable even than a man and a woman living together unmarried.

Part of our witness to the transforming grace of God is to live in a godly way in our marriages. If you are married – and it doesn’t matter whether the marriage was arranged for you or you chose yourself, and it does not matter if you sometimes think you chose badly. If you are married, part of your calling as a Christian is to be a wife to your husband.      

It’s not easy being a godly wife. In one of his letters, Paul cries out about his work as a preacher, “And who is sufficient for these things (II Corinthians 2:16)?” The answer is Jesus’ reply to him about his famous thorn in the flesh: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness (II Corinthians 12:9).” Wives, you have to walk by faith in your marriage, not by sight. Sometimes your man makes it hard to honor him. But he is your head, and Christ tells you to submit to him as to the Lord. So keep relying on God’s grace. God and the watching world will notice. Maybe your children will rise up and call you blessed, and maybe not. Perhaps your man will praise you and say, “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all (Proverbs 31:28-29).” Perhaps they won’t. But there is no maybe about what Christ will say to the virtuous, valiant wife. He will welcome you into his eternal presence, saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord (Matthew 25:21).”

– Bill Edgar

Preacher! The children are listening…

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1) Why does Jesus say, “From now on you will catch men?” (Luke 5:10)

          Jesus says these words to Simon Peter and his brother Andrew and their fellow fishermen James and John the sons of Zebedee after he has just shown his glory by helping them catch an overwhelming abundance of fish (though they had caught none all the night before). They realize who Jesus is when they suddenly catch so many fish! He is the Lord God of Heaven and Earth who has power over the Sea of Galilee and the fish in it. Once they realize who Jesus is, they are ready to follow him.

Jesus tells Peter, Andrew, James, and John that from now on, as they follow him, he is giving them a new job. Before, their work was to catch fish. Now, their job is to spread the word about the Kingdom of Heaven and the good news about the arrival of the promised Messiah. As they spread the word and peoples’ hearts are changed, those converted people will be “caught” for the kingdom of God. That is what Jesus means when he tells them, “from now on you will catch men.” What a change from working in a boat all night catching fish and then selling it to the locals the next day!

2) Whom should you honor more: God or your father and mother?

          In asking that question you are probably thinking of the Fifth Commandment, where God tells us, “Honor your father and mother, that you may live long in the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). God is the one who gave the command, and we honor both him and our parents with obedience when we follow it. But what if God and father and mother don’t agree on what we should do and direct us differently? How do we know whom to honor then? Well, God is ruler over our father and mother. We should honor him first. If ever our father or mother wants us to behave in a way that breaks any of God’s other laws, then we need to respectfully say, “I must obey God first, so I cannot do what you ask” (Acts 5:29). Honor involves respect. By speaking respectfully to our parents about why we cannot obey them, we continue to show them honor even if we don’t do what they have asked us to because it goes against God’s other commands.

We should also be careful not to twist God’s other commands to excuse us from fully honoring our parents. The Pharisees in Jesus’ day did this, telling their parents, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with money because I’ve devoted it all to God.” Jesus condemns them for behaving this way, saying “You hypocrites” (Matthew 15:3-9). We should honor our father and mother faithfully and as fully as it is in our power to do so, as long as our actions are according to all God’s laws.

3) How can girls be created in God’s image if God is a man?

          God made humans, male and female, after his own image. God’s word tells us in Genesis, “in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). So how are girls made in God’s image, since God characterizes himself as male by the way he speaks about himself? If you think about what you know of God, the trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, you know that since God is a spirit, he doesn’t have a body like humans – not until Jesus became a human man (which is a long time after God created males and females). So being made in God’s image doesn’t mean that our bodies match his.

The Westminster Shorter Catechism says, “God created man male and female after his own image in knowledge, righteousness, and holiness with dominion over the creatures” (Q/A: 10). We are like God in that we have hearts to think and understand. He made us (before the Fall) perfectly good and holy, as he himself is good and holy, and he made us to oversee creation the way he oversees all things. He also made us to have relationships with himself and each other, the way he has relationship within his three persons.

So it is not our body’s appearance that makes us like him. It is our qualities and characteristics that make us to be in his image. Both men and women are specifically named as having God’s image, neither one excluded and neither listed as more in God’s image than the other.

4) What does it mean to be quick to anger?

          To be quick to anger is to react in the moment, without resisting your impulses or exercising self control, in anger, irritation, offense, or frustration. It is dangerous, foolish, and disobedient to God to be quick to anger, but it is also very tempting for humans because it is the response of our prideful hearts. If we do not learn to govern ourselves, our pride rises up in the face of events and comments to preserve our honor and dignity or get revenge. Our displeasure feels justified! But this justified feeling usually comes from sinful pride, not obedience to how God wants us to respond. God’s word tells us, Be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God, that the fruit of the spirit is long-suffering, patience, self-control, and to refrain from anger and turn away from wrath because it only causes harm (James 1:19-20, Galatians 5:22, Psalm 37:8).

The Bible could not be more clear. Being quick to anger, whether it’s full-on outrage or mild irritation is not the mark of a believer. In a world that tells us that we are justified in taking offense and standing up for ourselves, God tells us to turn the other cheek to one who strikes it and in lowliness of mind to consider others better than ourselves – not to be constantly focused on getting our own way (Matthew 5:38-40, Philippians 2:3). There are times when it is right to be angry, such as when God is dishonored, his people are mistreated, or when wickedness and injustice prevail – but the instinct to turn to anger is a sinful one and must be restrained. It’s like a muscle. If we exercise self-restraint and judgment we will grow stronger in them. If we don’t exercise them, we will be powerless against the urge to anger (James 1:19-26).

5) Why does God humble us?

          God humbles us because we are automatically proud and he hates pride. To be humbled means to be let down from thinking that we are so great. It often involves our plans being thwarted, or our standing being lowered in front of other people. Maybe it’s something embarrassing that happens, or maybe it’s not winning first place at something. If we will not be humble ourselves, and we are naturally inclined not to be, God has to train us (Matthew 23:12). It is usually a painful experience when we are humbled and see that ourselves being first and best is not what God wants. Instead, God wants us to be new men and women who are not infused with the sin of pride any more, but are infused instead with meekness and humility, like Jesus (Ephesians 4:20-24). The book of James tells us that God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. It continues, “humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up” (James 4:6&10). If we are gracious in humility, God will reward us either in this life or in the one to come.

Has a young person recently ask you a theological question - perhaps in response to a Scripture reading, lesson, or to something the preacher said during church? Send these questions to Susan Edgar (susanledgar@gmail.com) for inclusion in a future issue.

-- Susan Edgar